Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Four minutes until I can fart!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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