I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
