Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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