hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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