she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I smell stomach acid.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
