It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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