i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize