Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
