Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize