chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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