You made me cry and you don't even care
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
