I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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