Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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