It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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