I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
