Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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