Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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