Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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