mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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