Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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