she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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