I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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