once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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