dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
