it hurts more in the daytime
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
