the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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