i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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