wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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