dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
