I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
