I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
