Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
