there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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