hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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