In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize