Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
