I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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