You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
