Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
