Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
