sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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