Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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