I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
