The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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