dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
