We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Let's get the cat blown out
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
