Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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