its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
