Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
