ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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