Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
