Only a mothe r could love this liver
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
