Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
