i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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