dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize