I look better un-naked...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize