I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
